Empathy is the foundation of strong human connections, helping us feel seen, heard, and valued. However, when empathy is missing or misunderstood, it can lead to empathic misattunement—a disconnect between how one person expresses emotions and how another interprets them. This emotional gap can cause frustration, loneliness, and even harm relationships. In this article, we’ll explore empathic misattunement, why it happens, how it affects relationships, and ways to improve emotional connection for healthier communication.
What Is Empathic Misattunement?
Empathic misattunement happens when one person fails to accurately recognize or respond to another’s emotions. This doesn’t always mean they are intentionally ignoring feelings—it often results from a lack of understanding, distractions, or different emotional perspectives.
For example, imagine a child crying after a bad day at school, and their parent tells them, “You’re overreacting, it’s not a big deal.” Instead of feeling comforted, the child feels dismissed. Over time, repeated experiences like this can make a person feel misunderstood and even emotionally distant from others.
Why Do People Misunderstand Feelings?
There are many reasons why empathic misattunement happens. People have different ways of perceiving emotions, shaped by their upbringing, culture, and personal experiences. Some common reasons include:
- Emotional Blind Spots: Some people struggle to recognize emotions, either due to past trauma, lack of emotional intelligence, or personality differences.
- Preconceived Notions: If someone assumes they already know how another person feels, they may misinterpret or overlook the true emotion being expressed.
- Personal Biases: Past experiences can shape how people respond to emotions. If someone was taught to suppress feelings, they may unknowingly dismiss the emotions of others.
- Distractions and Stress: A person who is overwhelmed with their own problems might not have the mental space to fully understand someone else’s emotions.
- Cultural and Social Differences: Expressions of emotions vary across cultures. What one person sees as sadness, another might interpret as frustration.
Empathic misattunement is not always intentional, but it can still have lasting effects on relationships and emotional well-being.
How Does It Affect Us?
When someone consistently experiences empathic misattunement, it can lead to emotional distress, confusion, and even self-doubt. People who feel misunderstood might start to question their own emotions, leading to anxiety or depression.
Over time, this can result in:
- Emotional Disconnection: If someone feels unheard repeatedly, they may stop expressing their emotions altogether.
- Low Self-Worth: People who experience chronic misattunement may feel as though their emotions are not valid or important.
- Relationship Struggles: When two people fail to emotionally connect, trust and intimacy suffer.
- Communication Breakdowns: If emotions are misunderstood or ignored, healthy communication becomes difficult.
Does It Happen in Families?
Yes, empathic misattunement is very common in families. Parents who dismiss their children’s emotions—whether intentionally or not—can cause long-term emotional harm. For example, a child who is repeatedly told to “toughen up” or “stop crying” may grow up struggling to express emotions or trust others.
Can It Affect Friendships?
Friendships thrive on emotional connection. When a friend consistently misunderstands or disregards your feelings, the relationship may feel one-sided. If someone opens up about their struggles and the other person responds with indifference or judgment, it creates a disconnect. Over time, this can lead to friendships fading away.
What About Romantic Relationships?
Empathic misattunement can be especially damaging in romantic relationships. A partner who constantly misunderstands or ignores their significant other’s emotions can create an emotional barrier. For example, if one partner needs comfort after a bad day but the other responds with irritation or indifference, it can cause resentment and distance. Healthy relationships require both partners to feel emotionally safe and understood.
Signs of Empathic Misattunement
Recognizing empathic misattunement is the first step toward fixing it. Some common signs include:
- Feeling unheard or dismissed during conversations
- Frequent misunderstandings in emotional discussions
- Avoiding deep conversations out of fear of being misunderstood
- Frustration or loneliness even when surrounded by people
- Relationships that feel emotionally unfulfilling or distant
- People telling you that you’re “too sensitive” or that you “overthink” things
If you notice these signs in your relationships, it may be time to work on improving emotional communication.
Can We Fix Empathic Misattunement?
Yes! The good news is that empathic misattunement can be improved with effort and awareness. The key is learning to truly listen, validate emotions, and communicate effectively. While some people may struggle more due to past experiences or emotional blocks, developing empathy is a skill that can be nurtured over time.
Here are some ways to build emotional attunement:
- Become More Aware of Emotions – Pay attention to how others express their feelings and how you respond to them.
- Practice Mindful Listening – Focus on what the other person is saying without immediately jumping to conclusions.
- Validate Feelings – Even if you don’t fully understand someone’s emotions, acknowledging their feelings can help them feel heard.
- Improve Emotional Vocabulary – Learn to express your own emotions clearly and encourage others to do the same.
How to Improve Emotional Connection?
To build stronger emotional connections and prevent misattunement, practice the following skills:
The Power of Active Listening
Active listening is more than just hearing words—it’s about truly understanding and responding with empathy. Here’s how to practice it:
- Make eye contact and give your full attention.
- Don’t interrupt or immediately offer solutions.
- Repeat what the person said in your own words to confirm understanding.
- Use phrases like, “I hear you,” or “That sounds really difficult.”
Asking the Right Questions
Instead of assuming how someone feels, ask open-ended questions to get a deeper understanding. Examples include:
- “Can you tell me more about how that made you feel?”
- “What do you need from me right now?”
- “Is there anything I can do to support you?”
Learning to Express Emotions Clearly
Miscommunication often happens when emotions are not expressed clearly. To improve emotional clarity:
- Use “I” statements: “I feel hurt when you don’t listen to me.”
- Avoid blaming: Instead of saying, “You never understand me,” try, “Sometimes I feel like my feelings aren’t acknowledged.”
- Be specific about your emotions and needs.
Thoughts on Empathic Misattunement
Empathic misattunement is a common but often overlooked issue in relationships. Many people don’t realize they are emotionally misaligned until conflicts arise or relationships start to feel distant. However, by becoming more emotionally aware, improving communication, and practicing active listening, we can bridge the gap and strengthen our connections with others.
The Bottom Line
Empathic misattunement happens when feelings are misunderstood, dismissed, or ignored, leading to emotional distance and strained relationships. Whether in families, friendships, or romantic relationships, emotional attunement plays a crucial role in creating deep and meaningful connections. The good news is that with effort, patience, and the right communication skills, empathic misattunement can be improved, allowing for stronger, healthier relationships.
By learning to listen actively, asking the right questions, and expressing emotions clearly, we can build deeper emotional connections and ensure that the people around us feel truly seen and understood.
